i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
