allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
