yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
