If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My cat gives me a boner
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize