she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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