paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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