They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
time to smoke my breakfast
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
