i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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