My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
