I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
