she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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