so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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