i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
