I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
