and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
