You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
