Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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