Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
