The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
