Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
