why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
