Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
