i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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