so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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