my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
