u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
