Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize