I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
