In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
