hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
