I never want to see another naked old woman again.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
