my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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