I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize