Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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