I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize