Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
