I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
