Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
