do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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