mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize