I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
