franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
