I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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