So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
