thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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