I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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