Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
