I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
