some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
40s are totally the cure
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
