I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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