Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
