Jerry, you need to find god
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
