so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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