Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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