no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
