You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
