How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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