trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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