Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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