Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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