in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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