I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
