I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
