Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
