i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
