If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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