Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
